Foot of the hobbit
by GangstaBro
Summary: In a land of kick ass kung fu, Dildo Baggins, great grandson of Bilbo baggins, starts his journey to be the most epic kung fu master EVVAHH! But even in such a laid back land like middle earth, Dildo will be in great danger as he fights some of the most dangerous mofos ever to be born. Will he out live his training? Shit yeah! HE's THE HERO! DUH! No babys allowed.
1. Chapter 1

Foot of the Hobbit

Chapter 1

AN: Sup fools. This story is something i really think somebody needs to write about since its so fuckin obveus! Any way, chill back and witness to most epic fanfic EVVAH!

Deep in middle earth there is a place. A place where the most badass warriors ever live. The Shire.

Yeah I said it. THE SHIRE!1

Fuckin orcs drafwes, and gay ass elves got nothin on these cold blooded mofos. THe hobbits never trained in using swords and spears and shit since they learned the most epic of all weapons. thier feet, AKA, kung fu, bitches! (AN: See what I mean. all kung fu movies have those mofos usin nothing but thier feet, and thier hands sometimes, to totally fuck up any loser thats so stupid to mess with them. And hobbits have nothin but feet. [AN: seriosly have you seen those fuckers. they dont even wear shoes and they walk on rocks1]). But people thought they were all pansie assed bitches since they didn't like fighting and ate all the time (which are the signs of spotting a kung fu master BTW).

ANy way this kick ass story starts many years after those movies that have our most awesome badass's great grand dad and grandpa in it, so don't expect them since thier dead and shit. Y'know, Frodo and Bilbo Baggins. Althoh our guy would probly kill them himself since thier family heritage gave him such a doochy name to live with, but since that makes him so badass maybe its a good thing.

Dildo's training, (AN I know. sucks to be him, huh? Makes names like blake the shit right?) Started at a real young age.

When he was five he learned to play soccer with balls made out of metal and when he was seven he was taught to fold cranes with just his pinky. As he grew older Dildo's family could tell he was to be one of the greatest kung fu master's ever so they trained him hard but they also made him go to school so when he grew up he wouldnt be a total retard.

By day he would write calculus using his toes, and night he would spend the evenings practicing his martil arts with his uncle Modo, the family dojo master.

One day while he was fetching water with a thimble, Modo, his badass uncle, called him inside the hill.

"there is some thing I need to tell you. Said modo.

"What? Your not going to tell me i'm adopted or some dumb shit are you?" said Dildo.

"Of course not. Who would want some stupid ophens messing up the place. no, I wanted to tell you you're training is nearing its end. Soon you will need to leave the shire and study under other masters."

"Why uncle!?"

Modo gave him a desgusted look. "I told you moron, You're training is reaching its end."

"but why leave the Shire!" Shouted Dildo. "All the best masters are here. why go out into middle earth when all I coul d learn is how to use a lame sword.

Beacuse any master knows they never know enough. To go out into the world you will learn that too and make changes to you're style until you are a badass mofo like my self. Then you will become the dojo master and add to our history. Like our great grand dad and grandpa, both great warriors as you know."

"well duh! One kicked the shit out of dragon."

"And you could too." Said uncle clapping him on his shoulder proudly.

"Now go. since your a master in training all you need are the clothes you are wearing."

"Okay. I will return when im totally badass.

Dildo walked from the shire, his heart very heavy. He was leaving his home for the first time and even though he was a mean son of a bitch, he knew thing would never be the same when he returned. But to stop himself from crying he round housed kicked a nearby rock, smashing it into rock dust, before running into the sunset.

after all why should he sad? He was going out to see the fucking world!1 who wouldnt want that?

Later...

Master Modo watched the sun lower as he bit off the cork of his favorite bottle of malt liqcour. Even though he knew what he did was the best he wished he could've let dildo stay.

But he couldn't.

Not while the clan was in danger.

From behind him he heard some one blow out the candle and sighed. It was time...

What the fuck is happening? Why did master modo make Dildo leave when cleary some very serious shit is going down in the shire? Will there be danger for our hero before he knows it? RATE THIS CAPTER TO FIND OUT!

DO IT OR ILL ROUND HOUSE KICK YOU INTO ROCK DUST BITCHES!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

AN: Sup fools. I decided that id make another chapter this week beacuse Im just so fucking awesome at writting this shit. havent taken a mo to see if any one is reading this but thats cool since if no one has then they'll have more awesome shit to read later.

AN: any way I will not butt in so much this chapter to keep the stories mojo flowin. In this capter we met the villin of the story, whose a totall DICK!1

Master Modo turned to shadows.

"who is there? He said loudly to th shadows.

"You're DEATH!" Screamed a voice from above.

Modo ducked as a flying shadow missed his head by inches. taking a swig from is booze he tossed it in the air and kicked it with all his strenght. the bottle exploded so hard that the glass shards flew out at the speed of light andnailed the killer to the opposite wall of the room.

walking up to the goblin master Modo gave him a stealy glare of dislike.

"Who sent you?" said modo. to the goblin.

"i will never tell!" SCreamed the goblin. "Hurt me all you want, you will never know who sent me to kill you!"

"TELL ME!" Shouted Modo raising his fists.

"All right I will! just pleas to dont hurt me!" The Goblin cried all scared and shit. After all Modo was so fucking tough he could bend steel with his teeth.

"THEN TELL ME!: Shouted Modo again."

"My master comes from over hills and under hills! My master is he who walks unseen. he is luck wearer and riddle maker! He is the barrel rider!

"Lies and more lies!" Thundered Modo angerly.

"Not lies." Screamed the goblin.

"They are! Those are the titles of my great great (AN: the first great is supposed to mean kick ass) grand dad! And he can not be you're master. Tell me his name! WHAT IS HIS NAME1!

"MAster Paraffin"

Paraffin! Paraffin sent you?!"

"Yes. yes i did." Said a voice from the shadows.

Modo turned as a sword flew past him and into the goblin behind him. the stupid little fucker gave a girly little scream and died. but you shouldnt feel sad since the goblin was trying to kill master modo, and hes a goblin and goblins can go fuck themselfs.

"I should have known it was you." Said Modo Wisely.

"Could you?"

"Yes. Only a took would be so foolish to battle a baggins in this place." Said modo serously.

"Why have you come?"

Paraffin gave a evil laugh.

"I have come to claim Bagg-end old hobbit. No more will the Bagginses be the masters in the dojo under the hill! Bagg-end rightfully belonges to the Tooks, and i have come to get my birthright!

"And you think that a suck ass goblin would defeat me and my kung fu?" Said Modo cooly.

"of corse not. only a total dooch nozzle would get defeated by those bitches."

Then why?"

paraffin slitted his eyes. "Beacuse even a kung fu master can be defeated when they are tired from fighting."

"YOU BASTARD! you know that fighting the goblin would weaken me!"

"yes I did. And to make sure my winning would be complete i also spiked you hooch to shit for brains."

ANd he did. until then Master Modo felt his head spining and wondered when he had suddenly become such a fuckin lightweight. Now it made sense that some one spiked it.

"even so Paraffin even if I lose there are more then one Baggins in middle earth. Dildo! He has left to become a bitchin master of kung fu, and he will definately be the one to defeat you and you're minions!"  
Paraffin laughed out loud. He laughed so hard he fell to the ground and rolled around laughing out loud. Hobbits passing by heard this later called it rowfloling which is why we use it in texting and shit.

"What's so fucking funny bitch?!" Said Modo loudly.

"Im laughing beacuse dildo is as good as dead you fool! I knew you would send him away when you heard i would be coming so I made sure to send a thousand of my men to patrol all the roads to the shire. even as we speak the men of gondor are hacking that dick biscuit to peices. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed Paraffin loudly.

"Go screw your self. It would take more then a thousand men to defeat someone like Dildo." Said Modo angerly. But deep inside he knew he was actually lieing.

"Your lieing." Said paraffin standing up again. "And now it is time to finish things."

"I agree. the sooner I whoop you're ass the sooner I can save my nephew."

Taking his fighting pose he gestured to the younger hobbit with his foot.

"Come and face me took!" he said all dangerosly.

"I will face you, I will." Said the took. taking a running jump he jumped into the air with both feet aimed at the old hobbits chest. "I will face you into you're grave!

Later...

Dildo stoped in his tracks. Night was already falling and suddenly he felt a horrible feeling. Then he relized. He had left his most precous belonging he kept with him always back in the shire! turning around he started back to bagg-end, not hearing as heavy footsteps followed him into an ambush!

AN: damn this shit is getting tight! It's not even chapter three and our badass hero is in mortal danger! Can he live the night and return to help his uncle fight off paraffin? Find out when the next chapter comes in when we have our first fucking awesome fight ever!

RATE THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL BOTTLE KICK YOU TO A WALL BITCHES!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

AN: Sup fools! back again to deliver out some epic ass shit that i promised last week if you remember. I checked my homepage earlyer and i already got two reviews for my story. I didnt look at them since i already know they say my story skills are off the fuckin charts! So I figured I'd keep up my master peice.

anyway I'm pulling this out early cuz my day is gonna be wicked crazy and i could totaly forget about it later. as you know our awesome homeboy dildo is about to get into the most epic ambush ever to be seeen evah! So hang on to your seats beacuse this shit is about to get real.

Dildo stoped all of a sudden. he could feel the hairs on top of his feet rise and every hobbit knew what fucking shit THAT means. DANGER!

Suddenly ten men came out of the shadows. They all had on armor and carryied swods and had all that other stuff those fantasy dudes have. quickley they surrounded dildo before he knew what was happenin, and pulled out their swords.

There he is!" Said one of the men.

"Lets kill him!" said the guy next to him.

"Why the fuck for bitch!" said DIldo angerly. all the men laughted at him being such a moron.

"like were gonna tell YOU DICKBISCUT!" Said one of the men. You will never now who we are or why we are gonna kill you, just know that the men of gongdor follow the orders of thier badass leader gives them!"

then they all charged.

Dildo ducked as suckin sharp blades flew past his face. but he could easyly dodge them beacuse there were only ten and not like a fuckin million. Jumping away from those losers he stood away from them and grinned.

"Is that all you got bastards?" He said all badass like.

"NOT EVEN CLOSE!" THey yelled back. and charged again. but Dildo was ready this time and dodged them again. "Now its my turn!" he said finally and attacked.

Starting at a run Dildo run right up one of the men and when he got to his chest gave a spin kick to the face that sent him flying. Dildo flew in the opposite direction thanks to that newton law or some thing, and landed on the ground hands first. Then he did that awesome epic dance move ive seen on tv where the rapper keeps his hands on the mat while his feet goes all ape shit in circle s and stuff.

Dildo did that too and sent a lot of gongdor men flying. he kept spinnin so fast that he made a small tornado that sucked those fuckers back in to give thier asss an other beatin, which they totaly got! and after that they got blown out of the top like a cannon of the twister and disapered into the distance.

but before our homeboy could chill out he saw that he didnt get all of them. Some of the Gongdors had managed to grab onto a tree before his tornado spin and holded on like a praying mantis (AN: praying mantises are realy fuckin strong as any body would know if one of them held on to thier car wiper for like half an hour while theys were driving. which i did1)

he was just only able to get up when one of the men rised his sword to head level. the blade slid thru the air but stoped.

they gasped.

Dildo had managed to grab the sword with his foot. and beacuse his feet were so god damned hard the sword didnt even make a scratch.

That was beacuse the bottoms of hobbit feet are hard as steel and dildos training made them even stronger.

Usin his other foot dildo then did a loop kick that broke the swod into peices then he flury kicked him until he was black and blue. when the other guy saw this he totaly freaked out and started to run but dildo ran after him and jumped into the air and landed on his head. The attack pushed the man straght to the ground andright into the dirt so hard that cracks came out. Dildo then walked of his head while dusting himself off the cool mofo he was. Then he turned around all scary like.

"Now your gonna to tell me why you guys attacked me you fucker." Said Dildo grabbing the man's collar and pullin him to his feet. "Or do you want an other taste of hobbit kung fu!" but the man of Gongdor just laughted and coughed up some blood.

"Does it even matter fool." He said all serously.

"Course it god damn does!

"Well you'll never know. even as we speak theres more patrols of us lookin for you all over the shire and you can't beat all of us."

"Who says I have to beat them up when all I have to do is beat you up." Said Dildo threatening.

"Do it bitch. I wont say any thing to a dill weed like you. Besides I'm sure you won;t hear about us from you're famous uncle since he is eatin pavement as we speak."

"MY UNCLE!?" DILDo shouted.

"Yeah. he's..." and then he died.

"He's what bastard!" Dildo shouted again. He shook the man but he didn't say any more since he was dead. Finaly he threw him to the ground and started to run back to bagg-end.

When is got back he found the door broken in and all the furniture was smashed to bits.

"UNCLE!" Dildo screamed.

AN: Holy shit! Is uncle Modo dead?! damn this is going to have to wait until i get back fools. But we'll totaly find out later! so you bitches better come back. I'm feeling that the next chaper is going to explain everything!

RATE THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL TORNADO KICK YOU INTO THE SKY!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

AN: Sup fools. In this chapter we is gonna get a lot of shit crammed in to you're brains today. dildo has come back from kickin a bunch of ambushers right to the fuckin moon and now he's found that Uncle Modo might be dead! is he? Well were about to find out bitches1!

Dildo ran thru the front door. Bagg-end was totaly wrecked and all his cool ass stuff was broken in to damn peices. but what was worse was when he found uncle Modo lieing on the floor with blood all around him.

"Uncle!" he cried.

quickly he pulled away all the broken furniture and pulled uncle modo away. dildo could see how serously fucked up he was. he had cuts all over his body and his feet had been broken so hard that they looked like tube socks. grabbing a bottle of malt licor he found somewhere else he splashed it over him until modo started to cough loudly.

"What the fuck are you doin boy!" he whispered taking th bottle away fromhim. "That shits expensive!"

"Uncle what happened?" Said dildo as Modo drained the bottle.

"What do you think happened. That son of a bitch beat the livin shit out of me.

HOw?

"theres no time." Said modo weakly. "Dildo, i don't have much time. i'm dying.

"You can't die uncle! you cant!"

"SILENCE!" Modo roared.

"Dildo you must listen. there is much to tell you and i dont know how long i have. So get the wax out of you're fuckin ears.

Dildo listened. Sadly.

"Long ago the bagginses and the tooks lived in peace beacuse they were family. They worked as one to perfect the very kung fu you and me use to fight with. However. In time the tooks became jealous that the bagginses were always the masters of the dojo under the hill."

"Well duh. were fuckin awesome." Said Dildo.

"Yes... we are." Said Modo. Any way then when you grand father Frodo went to destroy Sowron, he was joined by a took cousin who then went to the city of gongdor and fought with the king instead. When Sowron was defeated the took stayed in the city of men and formed his own dojo to protect the king and it was the most fuckin awesome dojo not in the shire. and the tooks no longer needed to fight over Bagg-end.

"And what has this got to do with who attacked you."

Modo coughed loudly up some blood. "The hobbit who did this to me is one of those tooks."

"a Took!?"

" yes and his name is Paraffin. he wants to get bagg-end once and for all for his clan and will useall in his power to have it."

"What do you mean uncle?"

"the tooks of Gongdor have always been the kings regent, passed down from genertion to genertion. Paraffin was also a regent too before he made the royal family disapear so he coulld then be rule by default"

silence fell in the ruined house. Dildo knew that the royal family had disapeared several years ago. but it was said that they had died in a boating accident.

"DIdn't they die in a boating accident?" he said all confused.

of corse they didn't die in a fuckin accident you dooch! That was just what he said so no one would opose him! Since then he has been perfecting his own style of kung fu while he built up his forces and power. Now he controls the Gongdor and all its armies, and he will us e them all to get bagg-end and control the shire. And with the shire under his tearanny he will be the most invincible master in the middle earth."

"NO HE WON"T I WONT LET HIM!" Shouted dildo. "I WILL DEFEAT HIM AND HIS SUCKY KUNG FU!"

Uncle Modo laughted weakly. "You wont hav a chance bitch. My kung fu is way fuckin better then you'res and he kicked my ass. If you fight him now my efforts to protect bagg-end will be wasted. only if you live will bagg-end stay out of his hands."

But if I dont do anything then he'll send more men to kill me. I defeated some on the way here but I cant defeat an army."

Modo nodded wisely.

"That is true." He said gravely.

Modo gave him a serous look. Then he bent over and threw up blood. he grabbed dildo's shirt and pulled him close to his face.

"you're only hope is to do what your supposed to be doin now dildo... You must go out in to middleearth and learn from other masters. You... you must make a new stlye of hobbit kung fu, one that not even that dick wesel paraffin can defeat. You must... you...must..."

and then he went limp in the young hobbit's arm. Dildo rised his head. tears were runnin down his face and he screamed so loud that all the windows in a five mile area exploded.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Then he broke down and man sobbed.

Later...

Dildo looked back at bagg-end for the last time before he threw a lit torch in to the pool of oil he left inside the house. He felt it was the right thing to do.

He was about to start a quest he may never return from and until then it could fall in the hands of Paraffin. And there was an other reason. he had left his uncle's body in there too. Now he would have a warrior's funeral.

as the flames climbed higher Dildo take out his most prized possesion he had left behind earlyier and looked at it in the fire light. It was a small carved box of wood. His uncle had gave it to him when he was little and said it was a magic box he should always keep. rememberin that he holded it even tighter before he put it back in his pocket.

Wipin away his last tear he turned from the burnin house and walked away.

He was gonna be the greatest kung fu master in middle earth. He would find the greatest masters he could find and train until he could go to Gongdor and make Paraffin eat his own feet.

AN: Now Dildo is settin out on a jorney that will shake Middle Earth to its core! Come back next week for some shit awesome fighting!

RATE THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL SCREAM SO LOUD ITLL SMASH YOUR WINDOWS!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter V

AN: Sup fools. just wante you to know that my week has been off the chain1 Any way i know i should'nt say shit like that since our fuckin badass hero dildo had his uncle killed last week and all. now hes gonna go and train like shit until he can make that dickweed paraffin pay for it.

AN: OR WILL HE?

It was gettin dark when Dildo finaly got to the only human town near the shire. Since hobbits eat so fuckin much he had missed to meals since he left the shire he felt like is gut was gonna eat him instead. this wasn't good since being hungery makes a hobbit realy fuckin weak and he knew that gongdor soldiers were patrolin around lookin to kill him and all that.

"Shit I need to eat." HE said all hungery like. "I could eat a fuckin horse.

Just then he look ed up and saw a picture of a horse. it was a bar called the dancing pony and even thogh it wouldnt serve horses he knew they would instead have other food.

He walked in

the bar was pretty small with loads of drunks tryin to get an other beer or were tryin to have sex with thier clothes still on. Dildo was able to get in not noticed but he made sure before he got in to turn his cloak in to a bad ass hoodie so no one could see his face. After all there could be Gongdor soldiers in here to. Stepping up to the bar he snapped is fingers at the winch. (AN: that was what a medevil waitress was called)

Two loafs bitch." He said all loud over the noise. " ANd some thing stronger then this apple juice. then he went to a table and sat down

He had just got his food when two drunk retards wandered over and sat down.

"what are you doin here kid. it must be way past you're bed time." said one of them while the other one threw up and shit.

"Fuck off." said dildo. he grabbed one of the loafs and was gonna eat it when the drunk grabbed it out of his hands. lookin at the hobbit he took a big god damn bite out of it and then hawked a lugi inside.

Whoops. he said all fake. "I didnt mean that to happen kid."

Dildo gave him a cool angery look but didnt do any thing. he wasnt interested in a fightin right now. if he did then he wouldv'e kicked that fucker so hard that his ball sack would have dried up and fallen off. But he didn't. Just beacuse he could de-nut this retard did'nt mean he needed too. This was the fighting philosopy of not only Bagg-End but of all Hobbits ever. so instead he grabbed the loaf from him and took a even bigger bite starring into his eyes while he did it. This scared the shit out of the drunks and they quickly left him alone cuz they knew now he was a mofo and that he was letting them leave all alive.

when they were gone a whole patrol of Gongdor soldiers marched in. Dildo pulled his cloak hoodie down even more as they passed to the bar but one of the soldier saw him any way.

"Hey! what the fuck is a kid doin here!" He said angerly.

"He marched over to dildos table and banged it with his sword handle.

"What are you doin here. your a miner and miners can't go in to bars." The gongdor guy said all pissed. his dad and uncle died from drinking at an early age and he hated seeing kids drink. Dildo stayed quite since he knew when he spoke he would know he was a hobbit.

ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE SHIT! HE shouted. his shouting was getting the other soldier guys to notice dildo and He knew it was just a matter of tim before he 'd have to fight them all.  
but before he could kick the table up in to the air and send it flyin a old hobo put a hand on the other guy's shoulder.

"stop shoutin' at my grandson you bastard." Said the hobo.

The gongdor give him an angery look.

"Your his grandfather." He asked.

"Of course Im his grandfather asshole. cant you see the family resemblence?"

"What resemblence?" Said the Gongdor all confused and shit.

"the resemblence everyone should notice." Said the hobo angerly. "But i gues assholes can't since thier horrible people and you must be one since you want my grandson to talk which he CAN'T cuz he was born without a tonge you in-senseitive bastard."

"I didn't know!"

"YOU DIDN"T KNOW! you better get outta my site before I whoop you're sorry ass." shouted thehobo.

Feelin like a fuck nugget the gongdor soldier went over to his buddies as the hobo sat down next to dildo. none of them looked at them cuz they didn't want him goin ape shit on them to. The hobo reached into his rags and pulled out a bottle of asbinth and drank it happyly. Then he wiped his mouth and patted Dildo on the shoulder.

"That was a bit rough right." He said in a friendly way.

"Yeah it was." Said Dildo warily. The Hobo noticed this and gave his a serios look.

"Is some thing the matter?" He asked seriosly.

"You know Im not you're grandson right. Said Dildo.

"Of course your not my grandson. I can spot my grandson from a mile off."

He put down his bottle and gave him a joking look.

"And I can all so spot hobbits from five miles off." He said playfully. "But before then there is something I want to show you.

Dildo was about to ask what the fuck the pedo pervert ment when the hobo reached in a pulled out a rolled up peice of paper. when he unrolled it dildo saw a picture off himself with a reward of a millon gold coins.

"I pulled it down before our friends came in." He said all secretly. "I did'nt think it would be a good thing to have this in the same room with you and them. One of them might have noticed I'm sure."

"who the hell are you?" Said Dildo awed.

"Thats not importent. what is importent is that you leave right now. All the patrols are comin in to town to go to bed and they are gonna find you sooner or later and until then the town will be locked up tight."

"I don't care. I'll use them for training and leave in the morning."

"On a empty stomuch? I don't think they will stop to let you have a snack." Said the hobo doubtfully.

"Well unless you have a better idea where I can get training I don't see what you have to bitch about." Said Dildo annoyed.

The Hobo nodded. "What if I tell you theres a kung fu master only a few days away."

"Your lieing." said Dildo.

"I'm not." Said the Hobo

"Okay where is he."

"The master resides in a town east of here." Said the hobo wisely.

"then I better go and see him." Said Dildo cooly. "see you later old man."

"See you later dildo."

dildo slipped past the soldiers at the bar without them noticing and made his way out in the street. like the hobo said other patrols were comin in and in no time the town would be locked down.

but as he was leaving a voice down the street souted at him.

"STOP WHERE YOU ARE HOBBIT!" Some one said menacingly.

An: Damn! I've been typin so much that my finger bones are fuckin stickin out people. You bitches will have to wait until the next chapter to find out who Dildo will have to fight.

RATE THIS CHAPTER OR I"LL HAWK A LUGI IN YOU"RE BREAD!


	6. Chapter 6

Chaper VI

AN: Sup fools. Sorry to keep you hangin when our boy Dildo is about to go in to an other fight with some mysterous bad-ass in the last chapter. Gonna keep the action tight so there wont be much talkin later on. HOPE YOUR READY FOR FUCKIN AWESOME FIGHT!

Turning around Dildo looked at the man who shoutedat him. The dude looked like one of the Gongdor soldiers eccept he had huge ass armor that looked like ripped bod with those weird nipple rings. and it had a white tree on his pecks. The dude also had a shit ton of weapons on him plus a wicked awesome swod.

"You're time's up Noob." Said the Guy. "Under the orders of gongdor your under arrest bitch.

Yeah and who's gonna try. Said dildo annoyed.

"Cashmeer of gongdor." said cashmeer of gongdor.

"ANd that means what dick for brrains." said dildo. he was wanting to punch this stupid fucker right in the face now.

"it means that your facin a captain of gongdor bitch! and your super fuckin screwed cuz i'm also the kingdoms qaurter master."

dildo started to shake like he was scared but he was actualy fakin.

"Aw shit son!" He said all sarcasticly. "i must be screwed if they sent the qaurter master! guess Im lucky I didnt also get the dime and nickel masters huh?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP FUCKUGGET! YOu won't be laughin when I give you a knuckle sandwitch." Shouted cashmeer.

just then our homeboy's stomuch gave one of those diarea soundin growls which totaly broke up the moment. Dildo was still hungery so he rubbed his stomuch. then he smiled.

"yeah. maybe that shit would hit the fuckin spot boy."

Then he took his battle pose.

"But maybe Ill have to wait until i see how you like you'res." He saidall bad-assedly.

Casmeer totaly lost it then and charged at dildo with a spear. but the hobbit was ready for it and caught it with his left foot as it came down. but the cashmeer smiled mysterously and suddenly spun it turning the pointy end to him just as the handle skull smacked dildo from behind so hard he saw stars. Dildo steped back all dazed so he did'nt have time to stop the guy's next attack.

Holding the pointy end Cashmeer swung the spear like a baseballbat and hit Dildo full in the gut with it in one swing. Since he was kid sized the spear pulled him off his feet and sent him flyin thru a window in a near by house.

Cashmeer laughted a doochbag laugh.

"You better listen up bitch beacuse i'm only gonna say this once. A qaurter master is responsble for makin sure all the weapons in the weapons storage is kept in top conditon and not stolen and shit. and since I'm a captain I have to know how to fight with weapons. WHICH IS ALL OF THEM! so you better give up now."

suddenly a shadow fly out of the broken window and did a flyin feet plant right in the middle of Cashmeers chest and sent him thru in to a window on the other side of the street. Landin on his feet Dildo wiped the blood off his mouth with a smirk.

"But I still didn't get my sandwitch."

He spat on the ground and waited.

"but then I guess I wont get it now. Hope you like spendin the rest of you're life as a cripple." Dildo said cooly. turning to the end of th street dildo was about to go away when he heard glass clink inside the building. he had just turned around again when he saw cashmeer coming slowly out of the broken window and he was smiling to.

"Guess you didnt notice my armor ass wipe." said cashmeer. "Maybe it's beacuse you hobbits are so fuckin foot fetishes that you didnt notice my steelthril armor. It's gonna take no then a sissy kick to dent my armor." and he was totaly right as his armor didn't even have a scratch. Then he pulled out a mace and ran toward him.

Dodgin the first swing Dildo kicked the mace out of Cashmeers hand. then he used his other foot to block the shield bash that cashmeer was using. the force of the swung moved the hobbit in almost a half circle around the qaurter master and sparks flew up from his feet. BUt then Cashmeer pushed forward makin Dildo get all out of balence and shit and would have broken his jaws with his steeltril knuckles (AN: thats like brass knuckles only with steeltril instead) but Dildo turned it into a back flip and moved away so all Cashmeer hit was fuckin air. Dildo then jumped back even more and then ran a him as full as he could.

"Spin Kick!" he shouted

jumping up when just inches away from the gongdor he did a backflip at the same time as he smacked his foot on his chin. then as cashmeer started to fall dildo landed on his fet again and flurry kicked him in one spot to break thru his armor. this didnt work so when casmeer was on the ground he stomped on him several time right in the center of his chest so hard that the ground broke around him. but then his stomuch gurgled again. fighting was making him so hungery that he had to stop and grab his stomuch.

A fist smashed across his face and it sent himflying to the other end of the street.

cashmeer got up eccept he wasnt looking friendly any more. with blood comin down his mouth he looked fuckin pissed as he brushed off dirt from his armor.

"Thats it. Im not playin around any more boy." He said all mofo.

I was just gonna knock you around but I was gonna take you back to gongdor alive when this was over."

He drew out his wicked awesome sword and pointed it at him as Dildo stood up and wiped away his own blood.

"now your dead meat fucker."

AN: God damn. Dildos is in mortal combat now! how can he fight cashmeer on a empty stomuch with that psycho gunnin for him!

AN: Guess you'll have to find out in the next chapter bitches!

RATE THIS CHAPTER OR I'll SPEAR SWIG YOU THRU A WINDOW!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

AN: Sup fools. Cray week this has been what with Dildo still facin Cashmeer and all that shit. Any way learned a few things since a bro of mine told me straight. found out that I should'nt be tellin you to rate each chapter since there is not a ratin system on this site. I'm suppose d to say you should be reviewin this sick shit and all that. So to my wicked awesome readers plz ignore me bein a dumb ass and REVIEW INSTEAD! now back to the fight.

Dildo turned away from the smokin crater that he bitch stomped that gongdor fucker into when suddeny pebbles started to shake. Suddeny the crater exploded and cashmeer flew out and landed infront of it lookin like a mofo all of a sudden.

"Thats it. he said scary. I was gonna let you live after i beat the shit out of you but now.

he drew out his wicked long sword and ran at him

"NOW YOUR GONNA DIE!"

AN: THIS IS A RECAP BTW.

dildo was all shocked beacuse he didn't ecpect this and totaly would have kissed goodbye to his skull if his stomuch didnt give a leg bendin growl that made him fall to the ground and missed the sword swing completely.

But he could'nt do a counter attack beacuse he was to fuckin hungery. he had missed to many meals and now he was gonna pay for it.

"fuck son". he thoht to himself. "maybe thats why this gongdor ass wipe isnt dead yet. with out a full stomuch i cant fight him at full power!"

He jumped out of the way of another swing. BARELY! BUt he still had more then enogh power to jump around and shit. which he totaly did and jumped on the dancin horse sign as he tried to get his fuckin shit to gather.

"YOUR NOT GETTIN A WAY FROM ME BITCH!" Shouted Cashmeer. pullin out a grapple hook he started to swing it and threw it at dildo. Dildo managed to jump on another sign before the got to him and he watched it pull the sign down. then cashmeer threw it again and it looked like this was it for dildo but he got away again and landed on a sign far dow n the street.

Cashmeer was gettin more pissed with every sec. "Stop runnin fuck nugget! do you think that shop signs will save you!"

He pulled out his spear and started runnin like the wind. When he got close he stabbed the ground so hard while he holded the end that he polevaulted in to the air.

"nothing can escape the reach of mother fuckin gongdor!" He said comin eye level to dildo.

"STEELTHRIL PUNCH111111111111" screamed cashmeer and fuckin punched dildo in the face.

Dildo flew out the sign and landed on the street after bouncin to a stop. But Cashmeer had leap froged usin the sign as the leap frog and landed on is gut with his big ass shoes.

Dildo coughed up blood and used some of his stenght to punch Cashmeers knee cap. This totaly worked and he was able to get back on his feet. Cashmeer pulled out his sword again and ran at him again. He raised is swod and swung it down but Dildo was able to catch it with his foot. But then he screamed as blood started to run down his foot.

"ARGH MY FOOT" HE screamed out loud. But cashmeer shut him up by hitting him with his other fist.

"Thats what you get for bein a bitch. Said Cashmeer all scary.

We all know that you hobbits have tough feet and that you have harder feet then that. That's why all my weapons are made out of steelthril. You're fuckin feet will bleed like every other feet if your up against a steelthril fighter." He said crushing Dildo under his foot.

Dildo screamed out loud in pain. if only he could get some thing to eat then may be he would have a chance. but right now he was to hungery to even defend himself and shit. he felt weak.

"your weak." cashmeer said all dick like. He kicked dildo down the street and walked after him. "your weak weak weak weak WEAK!" he sceamed and he kicked him every time he said it.

"you hobbits are all a like. you think your hot shit beacuse you dont need to wearfuckin shoes. think that your stupid kung fu is the greatest fuckin thing in the world.

he grabed dildos leg.

"WHERE IS YOU"RE KUNG FU NOW ASSWIPE1!" he said as he started swingin him around. and then he started usin him as a broom as he sweeped the street him. like our home boy wasnt in enough pain.

"Its over!" Yelled Cashmeer and then threw him in to a window which broke.

Walkin over to the broken shop window Cashmeer drew his sword for the last time and watched it gleam in the moon light.

"Now its time to cut off you're head enemy of gongdor." He said serously.

BUT!

SUDDENLY THERE WAS LAUGHTER! ... INSIDE THE SHOP!

"What are you laughin about bitch!" Said Cashmeer. "I am about to cut you're head off soon!"

But Dildo didnt answer so he got closer to the window. when he got closer he heard a noise. a chewing noise. Then he looked up to see the sign.

He had thrown Dildo in a BAKERY11

AN: Looks like the tables might turn after all for our homeboy after all bitches! read the next chapter for the epic climix of this fight which im gonna writ later so your just gonna have to wait! SUCKS TO BE YOU!

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I"LL GIVE YOU MY STEELTHRIL PUNCH1111111111


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

AN: Sup fools. Finally gettin around to finishin this epic first baddie fight for our hero Dildo. As you know our homeboy was super weak beacuse he was hungery and was totaly gettin the shit kicked out of him by that dick Cashmeer ONLY THE IDOT THREW HIM IN A BAKERY LOL11

AN: so now here's the endin.

Cashmeer looked away from the sign and was worryied. even though he had it in the bag the hobbit may be able to come back for an other round if he ate some thing.

this was totaly true beacuse dildo flew out at mech speed holdin a crossant in his mouth and was holdin two loafs in his hands. Cashmeer used his sword to defend himself cuz Dildo was flyin out feet first and was able to stop him. then he grabbed him with his free hand and threw him into the shop on the opposite side. Dildo crashed thru the window still holdin on to the crossant when he landed on some thing soft.

it was a roast pig.

cashmeer saw it too and all confused looked up at the sign. IT WAS DELI ROTFWLOL1

Not waitin for the hobbit to chow down he jumped thru the window after him and sung his sword at his with every thing he had. Dildo ducked and instead of cuttin off a head of hobbit Cashmeer cut off a leg of ham which dildo grabbed like a baseball bat (but bigger for a hobbit), and swung back.

They fenced at each other as they got back out into the street, although dildo stopped from time to time to take huge bites out of his weapon, beacuse hes awesome like that.

the gongdor could already tell that Dildo was gettin stronger thanks to the grub. he was gettin faster and his foot wound had almost completely healed. He need ed to stop him! So he kicked in the gut hoping hed' throw up but instead it threw him into an abandoned vegitable stand.

Cashmeer facepalmed himself. Hewas such a fuckin noob. so he just stood there to stop bein such a fuckin dumbass and waited fo the hobbit to get a full stomuch.

Dildo walked away from the stall with middle earths first ham sandwitch ever and ate it.

"Hm... needs mustard." He said cooly. Then he saw the gongdor standin there.

"guess i need to thank you for the meal I guess." Said Dildo badassedly.

"Shut up and fight." Cashmeer said angerly.

before he even knew it dildo was in front of him with his foot high over his head coming down.

"Sickel KICK!" Said Dildo.

usin his ankle dildo caught this foot in the openin of cashmeers chest armor and pulled him down to eye level with the hobbit.

"Better remember this dick. this is the style of Bagg-end!" Shouted Dildo and in a cool one two kick hit Cashmeer in his chest with the famous goalie kick his uncle Modo had created! it was called the goalie kick cuz it sent the oppent across the field like a soccer ball which is what happened to cashmeer.

Dildo nodded cooly at his handy work and blew off some dirt that was on his foot. then he went over to see had anded in a brick wall. he knew he was alive beacuse the dooch pulled himself out only to face plant on the street.

"What fuck does it take to stop you son." Said Dildo, but since he was full he said it in a good mood.

Grabbin his shoulders he turned him over and whistled. there was a great big fuckin dent where the metal chest had been.

"Damn. That steelthril's the shit." He said amazed.

"Shit up bitch." Groaned Cashmeer. "I'm still gonna beat you.

this was totally wrong beacuse he was havin trouble gettin to his knees, and dildo told him that.

"Like hell you can. your wrecked for now boy. just lay down and rest." he said calmy.

"I will not rest unless you kill me!" Shouted cashmeer. so dildo kicked him back down. even though he didn't like cashmeer he wasnt' a murderer. he was a hobbit and hobbits only killed people that could fight back.

"I'm not gonna do that." he said annoyed. "Im not a killer Im a hobbit. Hobbits only kill people who can fight back."

"If you dont kill me i will find you hobbit. by the gods i will not rest until i drag you're sorry ass back to gongdor!" Cashmeer yelled.

"Dildo cupped his ear jokingly.

"Whats that? A rematch? Okay sure, any time any place bitch."

Dont mess with me hobbit or I'll make you pay for it."

"Yeah? You and who's army fool?"

"Hey!"

Dildo looked up and saw a bunch of gongor soldiers comin down the street. They had been fightin so long he had forgotten there were more of these fucker runnin around.

"its the hobbit were supposed to kill!" Shouted one of the soldiers.

"Let's kill him." Said an other.

"See ya shit for brains!" Said Dildo to Cashmeer before he turned and ran. Thanks to his full stomuch he was alredy almost out of town when they got to cashmeer.

"Commander Cashmeer!" Said one of th soldiers. "Your hurt!

"Fuck off!" Shouted Cashmere standin up. he was gonna get movin when two more soldiers grabbed him.

"No Commander your hurt! you need to lay down."

"outta my way you bastards! your lettin him get away from me. That hobbits mine1"

an archer saluted.

"Don't worry commander i'll shoot him down right now." he said loyaly.

Cashmeer gave him a face full of steelthril that knocked him to the ground.

"I said he's mine bitch! if any of you touch him before I get my hands on him I'll rip off you're hands and use them to fight with!" He screamed.

"calm down Commander!"  
'I AM CALM1" HE screamed back.

More soldiers tried to grab him and soon he was fightin them. When Dildo was safely out of the city it had become a free for all and every one had forgoten about him but he didnt know that.

What he did knew was that he was gonna to look for the kung fu master that the hobo told him about. And with his trainin he would be one step closer to facin Paraffin.

AN: Fuckin epic right? Any way next week is gonna be awesome since I'm planin to add a bunch of new characters and shit. may be a team mate for our bad ass hero! But until next time chills.

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL GIVE YOU THE FAMOUS GOALIE KICK111111111


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

AN: Sup fools. I know last week i said that i would bring new charaters but ya see I TOTALLY DID1 HA bet i fooled you for a while, huh. any way our home boy Dil (AN: thats the cool way of sayin his name) is lookin for a kung fu master that the hobo told him back in the last few chapters so now hes gonna do it. but will it be as easy as it sounds...

Dildo took a big bite out of a apple as the kart he was ridin slowy went past the gaurds. he had met the wood cutter who's kart this was on his way in to town and earned a seat by cuttin the wood, WITH HIS FEET ONLY, and the dude was so happy he let him ride in the kart.

then the kart stopped.

"here we are little boy." Said the dude.

"Thanks son." Said Dildo and jumped out. beacuse it had been a long trip he did a triple back flip to strech his legs before he moved off.

THe city of Bar-biesucks was much bigger then he could think. meanin elf for Phat loot, bar-biesucks was a old town full of busnesses like bars and shit even though it was not near a ocean. he could see that beacuse all the buildins had triple storys and signs stuck to them and you coudnt get that if you farmed only fuckin wheat.

pullin out the paper map the hobo had gave him he looked at where he had marked where to start lookin for the master in this city. it made sense that he would be here with all the people he saw just standin here.

As he went lookin he wondered what he master would be like and what kind of epic bitchin kung fu hed learn. may be he could learn a secret new technicie that even his uncle didn't know.

finally he reached a inn. Kickin it in he cooly walked over to thebar.

"I am lookin for a kung fu master." He said. "I was told he was a dwarf and that he comes here a lot."

Suddenly every one laughed. so even laughed so hard that beer came out of thier noses.

"whats so fuckin funny." Dildo said angerly.

Theres' no kung fu masters here kid." Said the barkeep grinnin. "what do you think we are... hobbits?"

"I don't care what you fuckin think I am lookin for a dwarf who is a kung fu master."

THis made them laugh even harder. Dildo stopped this by grabbin the landlord in his hands as he gulliten kicked the bar into splinters (AN: a gulliten kick is when you rise you foot in the air and bring it straight down hard)

"Show me the dwarf." He said serously.

the Landlord narrowed his eyes and thought about it.

"okay. sure."

A door opened in the back alley behind then inn and the Landlord came out holdin Dildo by the back of his coat. Dildo was so surprised that was why he had'nt kicked the shit out of him all ready.

"If you want to see a dwarf so fuckin much here's you're fuckin dwarf, bitch!" Said the landlord and throwed him on to a huge stack of beer bottles. Dildo had only just jumped back to his feet when the inn door slamed on him. He couldn't belive it. but before he could start thinkin that the hobo had ripped him off the beer bottles shook as some thing under it gave a burp. He watched unbelivingly as a dwarf crawled out holdin a tankard with one hand. The dwarf stood up and downed a mouthful from his tankard. then he scratched his big ass beer belly.

"Wots all the racket." He said all drunkenly. "Cant a dwarf have a wee nip of shut eye wif out a kid jumpin on him."

Dildo didn't say any thing. The Dwarf was so fuckin blitzed that he could smell the booze on him. he was so shocked that he realised that he was o-mouthing in shock.

"Your not the dwarf kungfu master. are you?" He said finaly.

"Kung fu?" Said the dwarf dizzly. "That's like, fighin, but wif out weapons and stuff."  
"Yeah."

"Ab so bloody lootly!" yelled the dwarf happyly. All of a sudden he grabbed Dildo and give his a super fuckin strong bear hug, then with a free hand give our hero a wick noogee.

"Master Bang-er. AT YOU"RE SEVICE1 hows aboot a drink me fellow me lad." Said Bang-er.

"fuck off!" Shouted Dildo.

kickin the dwarf off balance, which was easy since he was so wasted, he sent the dwarf flyin with agoalie kick in to a dumpster. normaly he woun'd do this but he was so fuckin pissed at bein tricked that he didn't care.

"What fucker in his right mind would call you a master dick weasal! you are a booze hound, bitch! and I just wasted all that time just lookin to find that out!" Dildo shouted. He walked in to the garbage and pulled the dwarf out ready to kick his ass again, but stopped when Bang-er gave a barf making burp to his face.

"Want a barney eh?" Said Bang-er grinnin all drunk and shit. Then he head butted Dildo in the face and kicked him in the nuts real hard.

"come on then. Give me you're best shot!" Said Bang-er Happyly.

Dildo couldn't see straight thanks to the nut shot, but he still managed a decent round house kick at the drunks head. Bang-er fell over but then got back up with out a problem. Then Bang-er took a bad swing with his tankard but Dildo ducked and donkey kicked in to his gut. Bang-ers eyes bulged and then he threw up green ugly ass barf that could of killed a horse with its smell.

Dildo tried to stand up but the barf was slippery and he fell on his back instead.

"Never under estimite the spew lad. Said the Dwarf rubbin his gut.

Then he stuck his arms out and fell over Dildo.

"BELLY BUSTER!" Shouted Bang-er and he totaly broke on e of Dil's ribs doin it. Then he rolled over and stood back up and staggered back across a wall.

"Still don't think I am a master matey?" Said Bang-er

Dildo coughed up a little blood.

"What the fuck is goin on?" He said weakly. "my kicks should have sent you to the fuckin hospitel. how come I am the one whos fucked up?"

"The booze boy, the booze." Yelled Bang-er happyly.

He punched his gut proudly and took another gulp from his tankard.

"You're kicks certainly packed a punch but my mastery with booze totaly ignored it."

"How?"

Booze relaxes the body, dintya know even that? when the body relaxes it doesn't get hurt to much since it goes with the blow. People who get shit faced can get the bloody life beaten out of them with out even feelin it. I have spent my life learnin to get this pissed so i could use this in a fight.

(AN: this is totaly true. I have heard tons of storys where drunk drivers shrugged off acidents that sober people never could beacuse they didn't brace themselfs so thier bodies were cmpletely relaxed.)

Dildo stood up slowly and wiped some blood off his lip. Bang-er Grinned.

"An other round? Your a game one. But its a waste of time. you can't never beat my drunk kung fu boy."

"Even when Ive found your one weakness?" Said Dildo cooly.

AN: Is our hero tellin us the truth? Did he realy discover the weakness in Bang-ers drunken kung fu? Is there a weakness or he is just lyin... find out in the next chapter.

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I WILL GIVE YOU A BELLY BUSTER!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

AN: Sup fools. Bet I left ya hangin from the last chapter with Dildo sayin he knows Bang-er's weakness. This dwarf is my fuckin fav so far since I get to use a whole bunch of new words for him. had to keep this under wraps but I was datin this chick who's bro is a total britophial, we broke up but me and him are tight for now, and he's makin my fuckin mind grow! So naturaly I had to make Bang-er a character sos I could use all this ' slang' boyz.

AN: but it looks like hes about to get his clock cleaned sons so lets get to it!

Bang-er stared at dildo unbelivingly. the n he laughed his fuckin ass off.

"There's no weakness to my kung fu ya daftie!" He said loudly.

Dildo laughed too, but in a cool mofo way, and shook his head.

"I saw as soon as I saw it. Theres' a super obveus weakness, ever!" Said Dildo

Bang-er downed his tankard thoughtfuly and nodded. "well in tha case give it all ya got laddie!" he said and took his fighting pose.

dildo run to him realy realy quickly, runnin under the drunked dwarfs swing and was suddenly beside him.

"RAINBOW KICK!" He shouted. even though the name sounded realy gay his kick wasnt. spreadin his legs apart he suddenly lifted his farest leg over his head and brought it down in a half circle in front of him where it landed super fuckin prescisely on the dwarf's body. and unlike the other hits this realy screwed up bang-er, who fell to his knees holdin where Dildo kicked him.

"ARGH!" He shouted. then he fell down and started to cry like a ugly ass fat baby.

"How is this happin!" He said in pain. "Where did ya hit me.

"You're lier son." Said Dildo smartly.

"MY WOT YA BASTARD?"

"You're liver dick weasal!" dildo repeated. then he explained like the genus he was.

"not only does alcohol fuck up you're mind it also beats the shit out of you're liver too, cuz it filters stuff all the fuckin time (AN: I learned this all when I was a kid, DARE you fuckin ROCK1). So i figured that if you been drinkin all this time then you're liver must be shot to hell. so I hit you there since it would hurt more then a nut shot would."

"apples and pears." bang-er said under his breath in unbelife. how could I never seen tha."

"Booze bitch. it kills brain cells." said dildo cooly. Bang-er nodded.

"I've been a right wanker lad." he said sadly.

"Nah. I started this fight." Said dildo.

"Yeah but Im supposed to be a bloody kung fu master." said the dwarf sadly. "But Im just a drunk instead. I wasted my life to booze laddie"

"Dildo thought about this. then he holded out his hand.

"I dont think your not a master. Fuckin drunk hell yeah, but your still a master. If I didnt' have super teaching I would have been done for."

"Ya just sayin tha." Said Banger.

"no I am not. your awesome! If I could learn how to relax like that I could be a greater fighter." Said Dildo.

"Really?"  
"HELL YEAH!"

Bang-er thought about it and then grabbed Dildo's hand.

"THen I'll join ya! Together will be unbeatable!"

Dildo pulled him to his feet and they bro fisted like men, which is way fuckin manlyer then a high five.

A shadow comin from the street made then look up. Dildo saw a bunch of gongdor soldiers marchin past them. He quickly pulled him in a shadow and told him to be quite.

"Wot the bloody hell for?" Bang-er said quitely.

"Those gongdor asswipes are here lookin for me." Said dildo serously.

"WOT! (still quitely though!) Serously?"

"Yeah. figured I would have a while but it looks like I was wrong. Turns out thier only retards when it comes to fighting."

"are we still gonna be team mates?" said Bang-er.

"That's what I was gonna ask Bang-er. do you have a problem bein on the run with me lookin for other bad ass hombres?"

Bang-er thought about it as he drank from his tankard.

"Dont see me comin along a problem. I aint no bleedin goodie two shoes." He said like a mofo.

...

Dildo ducked under a kart as an other patrol marched past. He nodded to bang-er and they moved in the other direction.

"Shit. These guys are every where." Said Dildo angerly. "How the hell can we get out of here with out havin to fight our way out."

"Aint bad to fight our way out." Said Bang-er thoughtfuly.

"It is for a hobbit. We dont fight unless we have to." Said Dildo wisely. Bang-er shook his head.

"Now ya bloody tell me ya wanker."

"Is that gonna be a problem."

"Nope. Jist means will have to sneak out some how." Said Bang-er sipping his booze.

"How? The boat yard is closed."

"Who said any thing aboot boats." Said Bang-er secretly.

Dildo looked at him suspisosly.

"what do you fuckin mean?"

Bang-er pointed to a kart outside a tavern. A woman had come out and was gettin ready to leave. Dildo glared at him.

"We rob her." He said angerly.

Bang-er laughed. "Not a bloody chance lad. jist watch and learn.

dildo followed him as he walked over to the woman. she was a total medevil babe with long hair and stuff. Bang-er grabbed her attention by yankin her leather pants.

"Excuse me my fine woman." He said all cooly. "Could me and my friend leave this bloody place with you're company tonight."

the babe thought about this.

"Your not criminals, are you?" She said serously.

"abso bloody lutely not!" Said Bang-er slightly angerly. then he said swaggerly. "but me and my friend are just tired of lookin at each others ugly mug when we could be lookin at you're shapely legs tonight."

The babe started to laugh her ass off at his. but she stoped to give him a sarcastick look.

"I dont think your big enough for this ride dwarf." She said jokely. But Bang-er just stroked his beard like a bad ass all cool and shit.

"Ya think so huh." He said cooly. then suddenly he pulled out his belt and let his pants hit the ground. Since Dildo was behind him when he did this he suddenly got a face full of hairy dwarf ass, and he was about to puke when he heard bang-er start speakin again.

"But as you can see my good woman I happen to be a 'one size fits all." He said sexily. the babe looked down all impressed and dildo would have been too eccept he would never do that since lookin at a guys dick on perpose for longer then two seconds is totaly gay.

"okay" said the babe.

"Hot damn!" shouted Bang-er pullin up his pants. then they jumped into the back of the kart and stayed quite as the babe rode them out of town.

as she did this a horse rode up to a bunch of Gongdor soldiers and Cashmeer stepped down.

"Wheres that horse goin. " He demanded.

A gongdor soldier saluted him.

"That belongs to a totaly hot babe we promised could leave sir."

"Why did you do that fuck nugget you know shes in great fuckin danger now." Said Cashmeer angerly. the gaurds freaked out beacuse they had forgot.

"Oh shit we forgot captain!"

cashmeer steelthrilled punched one of them as punishment and shook his head.

"Well we cant go after her now. the fuckin bandits may attack any minute. Any way lets finish our defences." He said serously.

AN: BANDITS1/ Is dildo ever gonna fuckin get a break? looks like he won't! Come back next time for more epic ass kicking!

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR I'LL GIVE YOU A RAINBOW KICK111111111


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

AN: Sup fools. BTW I just launched a new series toady which has mario and bowser working together as partners. Its called MKPD and I plan to make it as fuckin awesome as this series. any way i wanted to talk about that instead of my week since its all ironic now that Dildo is gonna be fightin bandits and shit. but chillax cuz I am a pro and will stick to the story.

Dildo and Banger sticked thier heads out of the kart and saw the city lights get smaller and smaller in the distace. Then they bro fived.

"Sorted!" Said Bang-er happyly.

"Yeah!" Said Dildo.

Then they just sat there.

"Now wot?" said bang-er.

"WHat do you mean what?" said Dildo confusedly.

"wot are we doin now?" said bang-er while he drank his booze.

"well I am lookin for masters to help me beat paraffin and now weve ecaped the town now we can look for them again." Dildo told him.

"Grate... so's who we gonna see next then?" said Bang-er.

"I dunno."

"WOT? YA Dont know? how'd you find me then." Shouted Bang-er angerly.

"A FUCKIN HOBO TOLD ME1" Dildo shouted back.

"SO WE NEED A BLOODY HOBO TO FIND AN OTHER MASTER THEN SHALL WE!"

IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN LEAVE1' said dildo angerly.

"Why the bloody hell should I? Im' the one who got these ride cuz I'm gonna shag (AN: that means screw) the bloody driver!

"So?"

But then he was interupted as a branch smacked the back of his head. that was when they noticed they were not on the road any more and deep in the forest.

"Ere." said bang-er annoyed. "wot the bloody hell are ya doin woman. we ain't on the road no more.

but the babe didn't say any thing and keeped goin deeper in to the woods.

"what the hell is wrong with you bitch, are you suddenlyl deaf?" Said dildo loudly. but she didn't act like she heard them.

then suddenly the bushes nearby started to move a round and a bunch of dudes with arrows and swords stepped out and started to walk beside the kart. some of them pointed thier weapons at dildo and bang-er who were totaly fuckin confused about what was happenin.

"We're totaly fuckin confused about what is happenin." Said Dildo.

"To right." Said Bang-er

"shut up." Said one of the duds.

"yeah or we will kill you!" said one of the other dudes doochly.

Dildo and Bang-er looked at each other.

"Should we teach them some manners?" Asked Bang-er thoughtfuly.

"I dunno. there may be more of them." Said Dildo thoughtfuly.

"And ?"

"It's dark." Pointed Dildo. "It be annoyed havin to chase them and shit."

" wait then?" Said Bang-er.

"damn straight." agreed Dildo. then they fist bumped to show they were still cool.

after a while the kart got in to a clearin with a huge fire in the middle of it and it stopped. the babe got out and the dudes followed her while a bunch more came out of the shadows while our homeboys were dragged in to the light.

dildo heard one of them talkin to the babe.

"what's the town like boss? should we attack them now."

the babe shook her head.

"nah. those gongdors are lockin up as we speak." Said the babe. then HE took off HIS wig and and sad. "so were goin to plan B boys."

"Wot the bloody hell!" Said some one in the crowd. the tranny looked over to see bang-er and dildo o mouthing in shock.

"Whats up dwarf?" Said the tranny evily. "Surprised I'm a guy?"

then he laughed. evily.

"I'll take that as a complement." Hesaid.

"but the tits." said Bang-er weakly.

"all in a days work for.. the DAWG!" said the Dawg all triuphently. then he pointed to his men.

"put them over with the other prisoner guys. then we can get ready to rob that town blind."

"Your thiefs." said our hobbit in a cold anger.

"fuck no. we're bandits! thiefs are so fuckin below us." Said dawg. "Only bandits can rob a whole town and get away with it.

Dildo narrowed his eye s. it didn't matter what they calld themselfs. they were thiefs and he hated thiefs. Thief are fuckin scum who hang around boozein up and screwin around when OTHER people are workin hard so they can eat and shit, and then these FUCKIN DICKWESELS steals what some other dude has had for years WHEN HES AT WORK and beacuse he can't afford to buy new shit he has to borrow stuff from his best friends and start searchin pwn shops for his shit. thiefs had no honor what so fuckin ever and that they should all be hung up by thier ball sacks until they give everything back with fuckin interest.

(AN: hobbits realy hate bandits more then any one else cuz they keep stealin thier food and they love food, so go fig.)

but Dildo didn't do any thing beacuse they had tried him up around the legs and so he couldnt fight them, but they did that sos they wouldn't escape.

He and Bang-er were tossed in to a heap next to some skinny dude who was also tied up by the fire. Dildo couldnt see his face beacuse of Bang-er big fat dwarf ass, but if h could he wouldnt cuz the dude's hoodie was pulled over his face so it was all shadowy.

"Wot the bloody hell are we goin do now." said bang-er as he got up right again.

"break free." said Dildo angerly. then he bent over and started chewin his ropes with his teeth.

as he tried to eat his way free he bumped into the skinny dude. he grumbled.

"Settle down." said Bang-er serously.

"why?" Dildo whispered. "they are not noticin us yet."

"They ain't the ones I'm worried aboot." Said Bang-er. he pointed his head at the other guy. the dude hadnt moved since they got there and he looked like a total mofo in the fire light. Dildo glared at him.

"So? he dont' look tough." he said and worm kicked the dude.

the dude wobbled and then he fell over on dildo. the fucker was fast a sleep and droolin on him.

Suddenly a bandit walked over and pulled the dude off the hobbit, who gasped out loud cuz now he could breath again.

"Stop playin around bitches." He said scarely. "Its time we take care of you."

AN: Shit. Dildo and Bang-er are in moral danger and they can't defend themselfs with thier bodies tied up and every thing. Some thing fuckin epic better save them! Or at lest help.

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR ILL WORM KICK YOU!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter tweleve

AN: Sup fools. when we last left our home boys they were in deep shit with a bunch of bandits plannin to rob the town of Bar-biesucks and that hot babe was ACUTALLY A DUDE1 so now they are in mortal danger as they are tied up with some skinny fucker whos a sleep.

AN: will they be abl to escape certain death... Well thats what this fuckin chapter is for!

One of the bandit dudes pulled them to their feet, eccept for the sleepy dude who keeped fallin over.

"are you gonna kill us now?" said Dildo.

a shadow moved over them. it was dawg!

"Of course were fuckin not." said Dawg all doochly.

"then what." Said dildo lowly.

"your gonna be our hostages. good guys cant hurt bad guys if there are hostages thats the rules. Said the dawg. but then he heard dildo laugh.

"whats so funny bitch." Said dawg angerly.

"Fat fuckin chance thats gonna work. I know that a captain cashmeer is there right now. I know he wouldnt have a problem seein me as a hostage." said Dildo matter factly.

"realy? well reverse pycology isnt gonna work on me. and that's is just part two of my plan." said dawg.

he pointed to the kart they had come in on.

first Me and my compadrys are gonna get in by using that kart you were just on. I will go back to lookin like a sweet peice of ass and my boys will hide in the back with a tarp over them. when we get inside safely then they all come out and we'll rob the town." Then he laughed manacally.

"it is my greatest plan evah!" hE said happyly.

then a bandit walked up.

"Sir. we have finished our preps. time to go?" he said.

"Yes!" said Dawg.

he pointed to the three prisoners.

"don't forget to take them to." he reminded them.

"Okay" said the bandits.

"Wot are we gonna do now?" said Bang-er serously.

"I don't know." said Dildo, all so serously. "its gonna be hard to escape from these ropes if they are with us all the time."

"you dont' mean we're gonna wait until they are inside to city, do ya?" Said Bang-er shocked.

"No. we cant let innocent people get hurt."

Dildo narrowed his eyes.

"so that means we will have to fight here." HE said like a mofo.

"I likes the sound of that laddie!" said bang-er eccitedly.

"ready?" said dildo.

"ready." said bang-er.

they stood back to tied back as bandits all around stated to close in. it was two to fifty and it was a good chance that some one was gonna die. but that was if they didn't surrender when Dildo said so.

Every thing was lookin realy fuckin awesome until the sleepy skinny guy fell on them and pinned them to the ground.

"Argh!" They yelled. then they both headbutted the fucker in the face!

"Ya wanker!" said bang-er as dildo said "Bastard!"

"Hrk." said the dude. then he opened his eyes sleepy and looked at them. he was so fuckin out of it that he was still have a sleep.

"hey." he said sleepyly. "why did you do that." then he looked around like a total retard.

"where am I?" He said all confused. then he woke up some more and glared at Dildo and Bang-er. "Are you the ass holes that keeped fallen on me."

"What do you mean us! your the one who weighs a ton!" said Dildo angerly.

"and that means you hit some one in thier sleep?" said the dude angerly to.

"hey." said one of the bandits to them. but they didnt listen cuz they were bitchin at each other.

"how the bloody hell can ya sleep when bandits make ya a prisoner!?" said bang-er annoyed. "ain't ya a man."

"So? whats you're excuse short ass."

"I said shut up." said thebandit.

"my excuse ya sack o shit is some wanker in a dress kidnaps us and makes us hostages. and then some OTHER bloody wanker keeps usin us for his soddin pillow!"

"and thats my problem why? Said the dude annoyed.

"YOUR THE OTHER BLOODY WANKER YA SOD!" SHouted Bang-er

"maybe i wasnt makin myself clear." said the bandit gettin realy close. he rised his swod.

when I says you shut up you." but he stoped all of a sudden when the dude headbutted him in the nuts.

"I had a long day." said the dude leanin over. "my ass hurts and this fuckin stake out is abitch.

then he swung his tied arms up and hit the nut holdin bandit under the jaw so hard he fly back wards.

"SO EXCUSE ME IF I FALL A SLEEP1"

Dawg so this and freaked.

"Kill that fucker." he said to one of the other bandits. the bandit charged at him with his sword out and slashed down at him, but the bad ass dude had rolled back and caught the sword with the ropes around his legs which then were cut in peices.

"what the." said the o mouthin bandit, but the dude spun up his feet and hit the fucker with a two handed swing that knocked him out. Dildo and Bang-er watched this completely shocked. the dude then stood up all the way and looked at dawg.

"I take it your Dawg." he said like a complete mofo.

"yeah."

"your in big trouble. I am a ranger of middle earth and I am takin you in. The names Tagert, but most people know me as Stiker." Said the ranger serously.

"YOUR A RANGER!" said Dildo and Bang-er togather.

Stiker gave them a cool bad ass smile.

"Yeah. and I have been tracken this dirt bag down for months." he said turnin back to Dawg.

but instead of freakin out Dowg just started to laugh again like a dooch.

"and that makes me so scared!" he said all sarcastacly.

he and all the other bandits took out thier swords.

"specialy since you're hands are still tied togather." said Dawg evily. but then it was Stiker's turn to laugh. this pissedhim off.

"why are you laughin dick! your out numbered with no weapons!" He said angerly.

this made the ranger laugh even harder then Stiker took his battle pose.

"So? you say that like its a bad thing."

AN: EPIC1 now thats a fuckin twist I can hum to. a ranger, a hobbit, a dwarf. the next chapter is gonna be off the hook with all the badass fightin! be sure to find out what happens next time bitches!"

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR YOU'LL PISS OFF DILDO!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

AN: Sup fools! sorry bout not writing this sooner but I had deep plannin to do with my other story with Mario and Bowser, so I got all distracted and wrote that chap first . but heres this chap with Dildo and Bang-er fighting be side a kick ass ranger against a whole bunch of bandits1 this chapter is gonna rock the house.

Dildo stared at te ranger in unbelife.

"you have gots to be kiddin me! Your a ranger!" he said to stiker.

"yeah. I was trackin Dawg beacuse he's a total dooch and so I decided to catch him. I have been lookin for this shit buscuit for a while now."

"but you let you're self get tied up." point ed out the hobbit.

Striker got red in the face and scratched his nose embarassedly.

"well I didnt plan that part. but since he wasnt there when i was there and his homies were I figured fuck it and went along with it. then I fell a sleep which is cool cuz I ran all the way all over here." he said finaly.

and you should have stayed a sleep." Said Dawg. "beacuse now Im gonna kill you striker. Get him guys!"

"die!" said the bandits.

"quick! untie us man!" said bang-er.

"Yeah you cant beat them by you're self."

"with you're hands tied." added bang-er

but Striker just narrowed his eyes at the bandits like a mofo and stayed where he was.

"Watch me.: said Striker.

then he caught a sword with the rope around his hands (AN: a bandit had swinged it when he was talkin) and twisted it out of the bandits hand. then he give the dude a right hook while he blocked an other dude with the sword, and he could do that beacuse when he was twistin the sword he also cut the ropes around his hands off AT THE SAME TIME1 then he turned around and cut thru the ropes around Dildo's legs and reached over and grabbed Bang-er by the beard.

"not the bloody beard!" shouted Bang-er.

the bandits charged in with thier swords and every thing but dildo and striker jumped out of the way while striker swinged Bang-er like a big hairy dwarf numb chuck. Dildo, now with his legs free, started jumpin every where with his flyin so hard that when he hit a dude's metal hellmet it made sparks and started a fire. some of it got on striker's shirt so he accidently let go of Bang-er who flew in to a bunch of bandits like a fuckin bowling ball.

"what are you assholes doin!" said Dawg angerly.

"they are too strong sir!" said one of the bandits.

"the fuck they are! you are just to weak!" shouted Dawg who charged in all pissed.

dildo saw him comin at them and was about to do some thing but Striker stopped him.

"untie the dwarf first." he said serously. "I can take care of dawg.

Dildo totaly under stood beacuse the forest was goin up in flames and any minuit they were gonna be roasted. he ran over to Bang-er and untied him very very quickly.

"Im gonna kill that sod!" said Bang-er angerly. Dildo helped him up to his feet and they turned to see a bunch more bandits blockin thier path. and they looked angery.

"well first we'll have to get thru them." said Dildo.

Bang-er cracked his knuckles.

"Is that bloody all?" he said cooly.

"You got a plan" Said Dildo.

"Damn straight."

they huddled togather and whispered for a few seconds. then they got back up and stood back to back.

"Ready?" said Bang-er

"Ready." Said Dildo awesomely.

Linkin thier arms togather Bang-er lifted dildo off his feet and ran to the bandits.

"KICKEY BACK STYLE1" THey yelled. and they were totally unstopable. Bang-er punched his way thru baddies while Dildo kicked a way swords from behind and shit. And when ever Bang-er got knocked over Dildo would land on his feet and they would cartwheel , WHILE KICKIN, until Bang-er was on the bottom again. they had managed to clear out a huge ring when dildo looked over to see striker was in deep shit with Dawg. Dawg had him pinned to the ground and was about to stab him with a knife.

"Bang-er, the ranger is in trouble!" shouted Dildo.

"wot? we have tah save him, or how the bloody hell can I kick that wanker's ass later!" Banger agreed.

Dildo thought very quickly usin his awesome brain power and then he got a idea.

"I have a idea but your gonna hate it." he said to bang-er.

"Do it any way!"

"Got it!"

with out heistatin he kicked Bang-er in the air and then jumped in the air to and started his goalie kick.

"SUPER BELLY BUSTER!" he shouted. then he hit Bang-er in the back but since Bang-er was so fuckin relaxed he didnt get his spine snapped in half and in stead went flyin like he was shot out of a cannon, RIGHT AT DAWG, who peed his pants when he saw what was happenin but still got a face of hairy dwarf belly. thier combined attack was so strong that he was thrown far away over the trees while Bang-er fell on his feet who helped striker on his feet.

"nice kick." Said Striker.

"Thanks." Said Dildo.

and then all three of them turned to face the remainin bandits like bad asses.

Seein that thier leader had run a way they ran a way to like scared bitches leavin our trio alone in the woods.

Striker shook his head and loled out loud.

"Looks like its over." He said smilin.

Dildo nodded. "Yeah. hey where are you goin?"

he said this cuz Striker had started to walk a way.

"I have to go after him" Said the ranger cooly.

"Do ya have to?" whined Bang-er/

"Bang-ers totaly fuckin right. we just rocked the house so we should team up." said Dildo. but Striker shook his head.

"Not gonna happen guys. A ranger's job is his alone."

He held out his fist.

"But may be we can meet again." he said.

Dildo nodded while smilin. they bro fisted and Dildo said.

"Well. until next time ranger."

"Yeah and the drinks are on you." Added Bang-er drainin his tankard.

Striker smiled.

'Sure. why the hell not."

Then our dudes parted ways and Dildo and Banger started to walk back to the road.

...

"Im bloody bushed." Said Bang-er after a while. "Any idea when we should rest?"

Dildo was about to answer when he saw lights comin closer to them. when they got closer he saw it was a bunch of Gongdor soldiers.

"Shit." Said Dildo angerly.

"Wots up?" asked Banger. (AN: drunks have bad eye sight.)

"Gongdor soldiers." Said Dildo serously. "I cant imgine what could be worse.

"YOU1" shouted some one. it was CASHMEER LOL1

"Run!" shouted Dildo and they run. but all the gongdor soldiers ran after them to.

"Get that hobbit you bastards!" Shouted cashmeer angerly.

"Hey Bang-er. you remember when you asked me when we could rest?" asked Dildo over his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Well its gonna be after we lose these guys." he said.

An: didnt I deliver what I said Id deliver!? and I still had room to dump in Cashmeer and a bunch of gongdor soldiers to! any way next week I'll think of something completely new for our home boys so until next time, keep it real!

REVIEW THIS CHAPTER OR GET A SUPER BELLY BUSTER!


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